My first day on a diet (an Excerpt from 100 Pounds)

An hour later, I’m making myself the dinner he recommended, broccoli with cheese whiz. It doesn’t seem healthy, really. And if my parents were here they’d ask me why I was putting fish food on top of rabbit food. But Dr. James says it’s what he feeds his 10 year-old son so he doesn’t end up in the same boat as his ex-wife, who I spy by searching her in Google and see is about as big as a lifeboat. I wonder if she looked like me once, just a really fat person who you don’t notice, as opposed to the morbidly obese woman in lavender Mumu standing next to her obviously pre-occupied husband. She seems tired as Dr. James receives an award for his work with the elderly at St. Joe’s hospital.

I didn’t like this broccoli cheese whiz dish, so I make asparagus with feta and cheddar. I like that, but I’ve had nothing that sticks to me and makes me feel even near to full. So I make instant rice. I add olive oil. No salty taste, so I add butter. More butter. I’ve used a half a stick of sweetened butter. And feta, cheddar, and some cheese whiz. I’m halfway through a full bag of rice before I add chili flakes and minced garlic. I’d stop before I’m full, but I don’t know what that feels like exactly. I don’t know if it’s possible to feel full from vegetables and rice. And what happens in two hours when I’m not full again? I should just keep eating until I can’t, so I don’t get hungry after 9. It’s 8:47. I’m full.

Its 9:35 and I’m sitting here shaking as I eat a slice of pumpkin pie just under half the total size of the whole pie, then a second piece that almost finishes the pie save a slice as big as a pinky toe. My fingers are wiggling back and forth while I pray they’ll cremate me instead of posthumously embarrassing me by trying to find a coffin big enough. I’m 22 now, the same age as Craig’s girlfriend, Michelle was. But maybe I’ll live until 33 like Chris Farley and John Belushi.

I get up to get more whipped cream as I think about the scale reading at the doctor. I was 275 pounds, 5’ 9” ¾. I’ve gained 15 pounds since college ended over two years ago. I squeeze the whipped cream around every corner of my last bite, so that like me, the food is safely surrounded in fat. I eat it and huff as I go upstairs to have my Xanex.

I still can’t sleep.

I’m hungry. I’m afraid of passing out walking down the stairs to get a fruit rollup so I turn on Cinemax and watch soft-core porn called Lady Chatterly Stories. I fall asleep masturbating.