The last line of an email from mom today:
p.s. I'm not so sure that we aren't part Jewish. I think we're a little bit of everything INCLUDING MEXICAN.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
My Valentine's Day Hero
Yesterday was the first Valentines Day of my life, really.
From 1979-2003 all of my Valentines Day's were predictable. I was fat, no one was going to kiss me. I was gay, anyway and so the boys I wanted to kiss were kissing my girlfriends. When I came out, in December 2003, I immediately fell in love with Ross--who got very honest with me, on Valentines Day 2004 and told me that I was not ready for him yet.
In 2005, I was in love with a guy who was with me but having problems in his 10 year relationship with another guy. I had just moved to LA, had been seeing him for 3 weeks. We were going to do dinner and a movie that night. I waited for his call unitl 8, then I called him. Voicemail. He called three days later, and he was back with his ex.
In 2006, I met a dancer online for Madonna who was going to meet me at Urth Cafe in Venice at 7. When they closed at 10:30 I called him and he said he was on his way, but had been stuck in traffic. We decided to meet on the beach at 11. At 1AM, his phone was dead and he hadn't made it. I heard he broke his leg during the music video for "4 Minutes." Yay.
In 2007, I watched my friend make out with the guy that I had been in love with, then I came home and ate a protein shake and threw up. Not soooooo bad.
In 2008, I had a boyfriend whom I adored, but we decided to skip Valentines Day since we'd spent a week together in New York. For some reason, that wasn't ok with me and I flipped out. I'm not proud of it...but c'mon. It was my first Vday with an actual boyfriend. Was there no Marie Callenders with an empty table?
In 2009, we were constantly fighting about money and love and sex and the dogs (a new musical), in front of his girlfriend who was visiting. We watched that awful movie with that guy from Les Miserables, Liam something, called Taken. Real romantic film about an abducted daughter. I was kinda fat last year. I don't think we even banged. No, we didn't. That was a half decade of doomed dating on February 14, and I was furious. Heartbroken. Sad. Resigned.
A few days ago though, I realized that all along, I have set myself up as a victim of Valentines Day. I put out this thought that Valentines Day was for pretty people--and I wasn't...and I should be sad about that! But now that I was skinny, I should be taken care of! I need a hero! I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light!
In September of this year, my relationship ended, and I suddenly had a house full of dogs, no money and no job--my friends and I hadn't talked in years, and I was distant to my family. And for the first time in my non-fat life, I had to be my own hero AND fast. John F. Kennedy rang in my ear, "WHAT HAVE I DONE FOR MY COUNTRY?"
I have spent the last six months trying as hard as I can not to be the Vietnamese refugee, the victim without a limb, bleeding to death under a land mine--the way I've been trying to convince people that I have been all of my life, the result of child abuse, the wounded former fatass, the sexually misunderstood...help me! Save me! I can't change this light bulb on my own!
But now, I've been learning to be the Superman of myself, in a way. I'm a hero just by making my bed most days, doing my own dishes...paying my bills on time....reading parking restrictions before leaving my car, showing up for therapy...listening, not just talk talk talking all the time. These are all like little Valentines to myself, and this year, for the first time The Tall, Dark and Handsome man who swept me off my feet showed up, and on time, and has been showing up everyday since I've gone off looking for my solo record deal, if you will...and that person is me. And it was in this enormous 5 years of heartbreak, and the messy end of a relationship that I finally felt like someone loved me for the first time. Isn't that weird, bloggers? A cliche came true! I am that cliche!
So now that I've masturbated with creamed corn all over the computer screen, I hope it's clear that I'm learning everyday that it's not about making this future experience as great as everyone elses, with everyone helping me and staring at me and "look at me, I'm gonna make it world!"
From 1979-2003 all of my Valentines Day's were predictable. I was fat, no one was going to kiss me. I was gay, anyway and so the boys I wanted to kiss were kissing my girlfriends. When I came out, in December 2003, I immediately fell in love with Ross--who got very honest with me, on Valentines Day 2004 and told me that I was not ready for him yet.
In 2005, I was in love with a guy who was with me but having problems in his 10 year relationship with another guy. I had just moved to LA, had been seeing him for 3 weeks. We were going to do dinner and a movie that night. I waited for his call unitl 8, then I called him. Voicemail. He called three days later, and he was back with his ex.
In 2006, I met a dancer online for Madonna who was going to meet me at Urth Cafe in Venice at 7. When they closed at 10:30 I called him and he said he was on his way, but had been stuck in traffic. We decided to meet on the beach at 11. At 1AM, his phone was dead and he hadn't made it. I heard he broke his leg during the music video for "4 Minutes." Yay.
In 2007, I watched my friend make out with the guy that I had been in love with, then I came home and ate a protein shake and threw up. Not soooooo bad.
In 2008, I had a boyfriend whom I adored, but we decided to skip Valentines Day since we'd spent a week together in New York. For some reason, that wasn't ok with me and I flipped out. I'm not proud of it...but c'mon. It was my first Vday with an actual boyfriend. Was there no Marie Callenders with an empty table?
In 2009, we were constantly fighting about money and love and sex and the dogs (a new musical), in front of his girlfriend who was visiting. We watched that awful movie with that guy from Les Miserables, Liam something, called Taken. Real romantic film about an abducted daughter. I was kinda fat last year. I don't think we even banged. No, we didn't. That was a half decade of doomed dating on February 14, and I was furious. Heartbroken. Sad. Resigned.
A few days ago though, I realized that all along, I have set myself up as a victim of Valentines Day. I put out this thought that Valentines Day was for pretty people--and I wasn't...and I should be sad about that! But now that I was skinny, I should be taken care of! I need a hero! I'm holding out for a hero till the morning light!
In September of this year, my relationship ended, and I suddenly had a house full of dogs, no money and no job--my friends and I hadn't talked in years, and I was distant to my family. And for the first time in my non-fat life, I had to be my own hero AND fast. John F. Kennedy rang in my ear, "WHAT HAVE I DONE FOR MY COUNTRY?"
I have spent the last six months trying as hard as I can not to be the Vietnamese refugee, the victim without a limb, bleeding to death under a land mine--the way I've been trying to convince people that I have been all of my life, the result of child abuse, the wounded former fatass, the sexually misunderstood...help me! Save me! I can't change this light bulb on my own!
But now, I've been learning to be the Superman of myself, in a way. I'm a hero just by making my bed most days, doing my own dishes...paying my bills on time....reading parking restrictions before leaving my car, showing up for therapy...listening, not just talk talk talking all the time. These are all like little Valentines to myself, and this year, for the first time The Tall, Dark and Handsome man who swept me off my feet showed up, and on time, and has been showing up everyday since I've gone off looking for my solo record deal, if you will...and that person is me. And it was in this enormous 5 years of heartbreak, and the messy end of a relationship that I finally felt like someone loved me for the first time. Isn't that weird, bloggers? A cliche came true! I am that cliche!
So now that I've masturbated with creamed corn all over the computer screen, I hope it's clear that I'm learning everyday that it's not about making this future experience as great as everyone elses, with everyone helping me and staring at me and "look at me, I'm gonna make it world!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)