Life doesn't always work out the way we want it to. And sometimes, the lives of those who are important to us find themselves in big, big pickles and it can make you hurt as bad as it hurts them.
This happened this week, and it broke my heart. All of a sudden, the foundation of what I had grown up knowing to be true was no longer, and it jabbed a concrete nail into my heart. It was sad. I wanted to fix it for the people involved. I wanted to make it never have happened. But more than anything, I just wanted to stay out of it.
If this had happened when I was a kid, or even a few years ago, I would have inserted myself any way I could have. Demanding reconciliation, insisting on better communication. I might have even taken sides. I wouldn't have been able to walk for a week. I'd have eaten too much or nothing at all. I would have taken it all on me, defined my value by how much my contribution could fix the situation--and this week, I started to do that until I remembered that so much is out of my control.
That made me sadder.
But in sadness and the feelings was relief that I can't control anyone or anything. That even my own life is controlled by a certain deck of cards. I can protect Ralph and Cricket and my savings account but not the ebbs and flows of my future history. In my thirties, I can only control my reactions to news, not the news itself.
And this allowed me peace. And sometimes, peace makes me feel guilty.
But in guilt, I assessed my character. I've been there whenever I can. I've told the truth. I've loved as hard as I can. And good news or bad news, the minute before the news is delivered, I had always been trying my best to live right. "When you know better, you do better," I had thought in my guilt. And the guilt over my ability to not panic, not rescue, not resign to anothers unhappiness, not freak the fuck out--slowly washed away, down my flat shower drain with a few of my pubes.
It comes back every couple hours, and I just do this again, and watch Hoarders and do some crafting, and it's getting better.
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