Why Not Try

It's not that i hate my body, because I don't--i think it's kinda sexy. I don't look like everyone else. I have a big chest but it's not dented with muscle like the steel on a Transformer. You can see my ab muscles if I take a deep breath and raise my hands high, but it's shielded by a layer of fat that has spread slowly since 2007 when I was at my leanest--which still carried a minimal but conspicuous tarp of loose skin. My legs are hairy but strong, and my butt got itself a ego.

But back in late 2008 I stepped on a scale and noticed something that really scared me, in a year and a half I'd gained 25 pounds.

See, by may of 2007 I had reached my lowest weight as an adult. 165 pounds. I was 12% body fat and I looked good, Baby. But after giving up fitness for new experiences, I lost track of my fitness. And worse, I was a full time personal trainer. I was 190 f'ing pounds.

And now, two and a half years later, after my heaviest moment since my major weight loss, I'm in a good place. I lost half of those 25 pounds i gained. But I'm not in a great place. But its not horrible. I no longer time the hours between meals. I only work out once a day, and if I feel like eating the whole sandwich I do...

But...

I think I could look better, and feel better, too.

I noticed it late last year when I was teaching spin class. I was the heaviest person in the class. And I was briefly ashamed of that. At 177 pounds and five foot ten I felt like a fraud. So I came home and got drunk to cut myself some slack. That was thanksgiving morning, so it felt appropriate.

I said to myself, "I just won't get heavier than this.". And I didn't. And I haven't.

But my curiosity is this...

Can I look and feel like I did back in 2007 without being the psychopath I was then? Can I manage the twists and turns of life and career and the dogs and boys and boredom and sadness and celebration with my health and fitness the way all of you normal people do? Or am I broken? Or is everything fine the way it is?

So, last month I started by going back to the gym 4 days a week, just to start to feel stronger. And I finally do. My cardio levels feel like 2007. im still in a weight class that isn't ideal--around 165 seems great, but I also do really feel ok with how I look.

What I don't feel comfortable with is my eating behavior. I still eat too much. I still don't always plan ahead. I still eat too often. But I'm much better off than I was in 2008.

So to my readers who followed me back in 2007 as I got psycho skinny, welcome back. Today, I am 175. My newest experiment is to see if I can get to 164.9 without losing my mind or making others miserable. Join me, won't you?

Here are my overall goals:
sweat like hell during every work out.
Do not cause myself pain by working out too much or too hard.
Get back to a 43 minute 10K run
Fit in my 31 jeans
Inspire others
Eat Portions planned in advance. Do not throw food surprise parties.
Be ok going to bed hungry.
Sleep better.
Be 164.9 pounds by around mid July
Get new headshots taken
Dance naked alone

Let's go!
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