Newnessness

I am in a state of panic today.

It is a real sense of loss that is entering my life these days. My best friend is pregnant. My best gay is leaving town. Oprah is leaving daytime.

For the past two years, these three people have been my various shoulders as I moved in and out of my own transitions. They are the people (well, Oprah and I never chatted, but I wrote to her) who saw the worst of me, heard me gripe at my pettiest, listened to me scream at the injustices of betrayal and workplace tyranny, and saw me cry at the fear of being unloved. And soon, I have to say goodbye to the way I have known them and support them in their pursuit of their missions. And I'm happy for them, and proud of them, but all of a sudden I feel very, very alone.

Did you know that a worm is the only animal that you can cut in half that continues to grow? I read that yesterday in The Book of Awakenings (an Oprah Favorite Thing, duh) and I wanted to feel hopeful, but I don't. I feel cut in half left to bake on the sidewalk, because I don't know how to navigate life without an emergency call during the crises that arise to say, "I don't know how to quit this job" or "why won't he call me back?" or "am I liable?" or "She's gone missing and her phone is off and she left my dad, and frankly, I don't care. Is that wrong?"

In under two months, I will be living alone. I will be an Uncle. I will be thin, as I am now. I will have a new car still. I will be living in a clean house with new shoes. I will have perspective on things I used to not understand. My doggies will be happy and healthy. But still, I will be alone. For the first time ever, I will be alone in a house that I've shared continuously with various friends, partners, and roommates for five years.

There will no longer be a person who I can rely on to tell me it's all going to be ok. That I am good enough as is. And this is painful and makes me very nervous. Because for the first time, I'll have to tell myself this, and be convincing and trusting enough to allow it to breathe.