50 Pounds by now?

We have to change the way we think about the weight loss mechanism, and we have to do it now. As a person who lost 100 pounds and has since lost another 100 pounds (10 pounds ten times), I can tell you that the reason so many people struggle is because their brains are so fucked up. Get it together, America.

1) Stop setting long term weight loss goals.

"In 5 years, I want to be 110 pounds. Today, I'm 400. That's just 290 pounds over 5 years."

You might be dead in 5 years (especially if you're 300 pounds). You have to take it day-by-day. And losing 50 pounds by October is too long term also. What about tomorrow? Are you signing off on being overweight for next week, too? You will start right after Passover? You just have to get through the Fourth of July Rib Cook Off.

Stop thinking about the world in the distance. It's a fantasy that keeps you in the shower too long in the morning. Start thinking about now. What can you do today, right this second to get healthier, not thinner...OK fine...thinner. What can you do right now to get thinner? How about this: while you're reading this, bounce a little in your seat. Put on the Glee Cast Version of "Jump" and sway in your seat a little. Once you're done reading, walk your dog for just 10 minutes. No dog? Go get one. They are a great reason to smell LA smog twice daily for the next 14 years. When you come back drink a big glass of water and empty your kitchen of Starburst Easter Jelly Beans. Then revisit my blog and see my transformation. Use it to inspire yourself until you need a hit of Perez Hilton.

2) Stop reading Internet blogs that call Jessica Simpson fat.

She's not fat. She's a size 6. She'll live a long life. She'll continue to get laid by hot guys. She has a ton of money. She sings that song "Public Affair" which is a great song to listen to when you're getting ready for a night out on the town. And she's not emaciated. And neither will/are you. Weight loss is not the key to unlocking your inner celebrity. Weight loss is just the first step in saying, "I don't hate myself."

3) Stop hating yourself.

Think of everything you do to lose weight as an unexpected gift from a lover, a note left on your car is no different than taking your vitamins, really. When you take care of your body, you're giving yourself a gift that your boyfriend can't, because if he told you that you should go for a run to lose some weight you'd stab him in the dick with a pair of left-handed scissors. I'd hand them to you, orange handles first.

You deserve this. Why should your next door neighbor get all the tail? He's queeny and dumb, walks like Queen Elizabeth's retarded brother, and has secrets of his own, like his alcoholism and weird testicle wart that shows up on his lovers six months after they bone.

You on the other hand, have been fat, so you know what it is to be invisible. Being fat has made you intuitive to people's pain. You see beauty in the strangest places, like the botannical garden at the Bellagio in Vegas. Think of the positive havoc you'll wreak when you're thin, like the active sex you'll have--or the social movements you'll start. You have scruples. You'll always tell the truth because you know that lies and secrets make you fat. You'll make it on your own, cause you always have. You'll cry at movies, unashamed that it's a 3-D cartoon with several talking dogs. People who've been fat and make it out alive are The Good Witch. We are heroes because we have rebuilt our bodies from the ground up and it's inspiring.

3) The fascination with cheese never goes away.

Getting thin is like winning the lottery. Mo Money Mo problems, a great philosopher once said. He was fat actually. More invitations for dinner and drinks will come your way post weight loss. You'll eat more. You'll need to exercise more. There is no top of the mountain in weight loss maintenance. There are still push-ups to do. You'll still get dumped at least once post goal weight. Someone will still not want to fuck you. Your mother will still talk about how you've destroyed her retirement years. You can still sprain your ankle. And most of all, at some point, everyone will stop noticing you've lost weight. And all of a sudden, you'll have to be OK with being who you are without an audience. That's the worst part about maintenance, so go into weight loss knowing that the scale isn't the end result. The enlightened perspective you get from watching the scale shift is.

4) Your TV is an electronic bowl of ice cream.

If you can't just have a scoop, stop having ice cream.

5) You will fuck up and that is no excuse to stop.

I hate when people call it "Cheat Day." Weight loss is not about some magical invisible junior high school vice principal watching your every bite, every drive through order, every lazy Sunday. Weight loss is about living life, picking up a little love for yourself every day.

So you ate peanut M & M's for the first time in eight months. So what? At least they were dark chocolate. You overslept your personal trainer? Boo hoo. Tomorrow you'll bike from here to Paris.

In AA they say it's not about the drinking, it's the thinking. Same here. When your mind gets negative, when your words become toxic, when your self-image coincides with hatred, you can't lose weight, or keep it off, or stay away from the fridge.

Stop feeding your pain. Let's all start over, right fucking now.