Somebody Should Leave

I remember the day I started to be fat.

It was at Florin Mall in 1987, March 31, actually that I stood next to my brother and my best friend, Dumaka--who was the fattest boy in all of the land (his boobs were bigger than Aretha Franklin's)in the window of a Circuit City watching Wrestlemania 3. It was epic. The Pontiac Silverdome had packed 93,173 fans to see Hulk Hogan defend the World Wrestling Federation Championship against Andre The Giant. 13:57 into the match, The Hulkster did the impossible. He slammed Andre's 512 pound frame into the mat, followed with a leg drop and then pinned him to retain the championship. I stared at the TV standing. I don't remember ever standing to watch TV after that.

On that day, I got 50 pounds fatter. That day I ate two big macs and a large fry on my own. I was 9. My dad said, "You can order whatever you want, Sean...but you don't have to prove to us that you can eat all of that."

Dumaka and I were obsessed with wrestling and KFC. Walking around with our friend Arturro, who was a mexican immigrant--we were a multi-racial fat camp. We were so PC. We were the cover of a Math Book. It was like, "If Arturro, Dumaka and Sean are rowing a boat up stream at 5 strokes per morning and the current is headed down at 10 mph, how long before the boat sinks?"

Answer: It will tip over when they try to get in the boat.

Wrestling followed me as an obsession for the next 16 years. Wrestling was around as the one consistent thing in my life when kids were outside playing soccer. WWF classic video tapes were my best friend when high school dances took all of my friends away for the night. And mexican luchadors still have my attention today.

My favorite wrestler of all time was Bret "Hitman" Hart. He was the real deal. He was good looking, wore pink, and had the coolest pinning combinations I'd ever seen. The way he pinned Rowdy Roddy Piper in Wrestlemania 8 still blows my mind. It was a reverse backflip tucked under from the turnbuckle. That's how he won his second Intercontinental Championship on April 3, 1992 in Indianapolis, IN. It was the third match of the night. I remember this night because I ate an entire box of Costco taquitos with mayo and Cholula sauce and puked on my Superfly Jimmy Snuka stuffed wrestling buddy.