The Mania of a Pound Lost

It's amazing how painful the compliment, "Wow, you're looking great!" can be for a person who has lost weight.

You wouldn't understand, but I'll try to explain.

As a fat person I have hated myself. Fucking loathed my skin from the inside out. I have cut my mouth, bit my tongue, poured Tapatio onto chips...all to punish myself for overeating. I have made the sweaty hog of myself pay 100 times over with sleeping pills, lost friendships, scabs picked at into scars in visible places. But still, there was a shred of scared little boy inside, who did right by other people, tried my best for a few fleeting seconds everyday, and who brought smiles to faces, sometimes babies, even. And that fat person is who I was in the beginning before I told myself to hurt in the name of sloth.

That person is not who you see today, but he sits quietly, underneath my medium tee, and when you notice that it's gone down from an XXL cotton blend, it hurts him. It thrills him, too. Because "Wow, you're looking great!" implies I didn't used to look very great, that I wasn't ok. And the thing is, I know that. But when you affirm my hatred, it hurts worse than when I just wondered what you thought. Now I can blame my low self-esteem on you.

But it was a compliment. The problem is, New Guy isn't used to compliments. He's just learning how to use the access card to the parking lot. And your compliment becomes nothing short of addictive to him. At some point, I'll get to my goal, and you'll stop noticing. Now I have no reason to live, because I look just like you: Normal, functional, deserving.

And the guy inside is jealous. And your acceptance of me is no longer sexy. It's just average, like a handful of trail mix. I want the M & M's. I want to hurt so hard again that the only way out is crisis intervention, and I want you to notice so I can remind myself how hard I worked, that I am capable, and that I'm like you, but more mysterious.

But most of all, I don't want you to forget that little boy. He means more to me than your compliment, and that's saying something.