What I'll Miss When I die

I am so tired right now that I could fall asleep in maybe three to five minutes and it would be nothing. That's rare for me, because it usually takes me twenty to thirty minutes to really get into that place where I don't remember when I stopped looking at the clock, when my thoughts turned to the not so real and my breathing is deeper than I'm comfortable sharing with neighbors, coworkers, roommates. To stop thinking about Chipotle. Sometimes, I count their chips instead of sheep as they slowly sail into an indoor pool of guacamole.

I'm tired from a really fun weekend, mostly, that caught up with me today and rendered me useless. My avatar would have been a slug (but a super thin one!) and I would have been slithering around hardwood floors pretending I knew what I was talking about, shaking hands with new people, the things I'm usually present for.

I don't want to be writing right now, but I am working really hard everyday on the proposal for this book about my weight loss that I've promised myself to start shopping to agents and publishing folk before summer--and as such I'm trying really hard to write everyday, even when it's not on topic and not good. Blogging feels like accountability tonight, so I'm sharing it with you. Indulge me.

I love the book Old Friend From Far Away, which gives writers jumping off points for memoir. Each topic is for a 10 minute writing exercise, and you can't change grammar errors or backspace. Gotta be raw. I've done almost all of them...let's try one tonight.

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Tell me what you'll miss when you die

What I'll miss when I die is the sense of community. I love the connection between people and living things, as hokey as that sounds. In my life so far, I've gotten to share experiences with some of the most amazing people. TV Producers, weight loss survivors, lesbians, drag queens, transgendered Earthlings, African American barbers, little people, giants, the mentally ill and all points in between. I've laughed and been laughed at by the funniest people on Earth. I'm convinced I've met them all--from up-and-coming comedians to alcoholic uncles. I've been able to connect with people who thought they were all alone, and I did too, but then we realized we were the same and we weren't alone, and we were able to create a community even if for just a split second in line at the grocery store.

I'll miss the scanning of tickets at live events and movies. That's the greatest feeling of all. You're walking up to someone in a vest, who's feeding off your excitement, and they validate you by ripping an $89 piece of paper in half and pointing to you to walk down that ramp. And you walk and you see that row F is less than 10 rows back, and it's amazing. I'll miss looking behind me at the full room, and realizing that all of these people are like me somehow--curious, passionate, excited, wonderous in a faggy way about whatever it is we're there to see. A lipsyncher in a circus, grapplers in tights, a scripted commentary on feminism, live magic and joketelling and we are all one there to be entertained--and the first step was getting our ticket stamped and we will never forget this moment.

I'll miss my doggies and whether it's Ralph and Cricket or the next set after they're gone, I know they'll be safe without me because my friends and family will want them to be taken care of and to remember me.

I'll miss problem solving. I'll miss not knowing the answer and then figuring it out. I'll miss that moment when you come out of pain, physical or emotional, and you know you worked hard to make it stop. I'll miss the bank account and the credit report going from zero to a lot because I figured out how to breathe life into money. I'll miss hearing of someone's misfortune and knowing that by just listening I'm helping them work it out.

I'll miss pizza. Extra pepperoni pizza with cheese in the crust. I'll miss Red Velvet Cake from the Magic Castle. I'll miss Blue Velvet cupcakes from Milk. I'll miss Chocolate Soy Milk and Yoplait Whips. I'll miss the Lemon Raspberry Pancake from the Griddle with extra butter. I'll miss my mom's Chicken Salad sandwiches because it's not as sweet as the kind at Koo Koo Roo, and hers has bacon bits in it. I'll miss the Whopper and the Whopper Junior. I'll miss the Van De Kamp wholegrain waffle with Better n Peanut Butter Spread and Blueberry preserves. And I'll miss trying to convince myself that it's low cal.

I'll miss books. I'll miss telling friends about my favorites. I'll miss my Kindle most of all, Scarecrow and how books in the public domain are free on it. I'll miss staying up too late and telling myself that I can sleep when I'm dead...

Oops...thats 10 minutes. Gotta go.